So...I now get onto the topic which I have the most to say about, which annoys me and amuses me the most, which confuses the hell out of me - Men. So much so I've had to split them into chapters otherwise I could sit here and write for the next decade. Men (Chapter 1) - Commitmentphobes.
I've made this species of male the first of the chapters as it is what I've encountered (yet again) most recently, meaning I'm still pretty pissed off about the whole situation, which i guess makes good entertainment.
I have been unlucky enough to discover that there are men out there who are terrified of commitment, and I in turn, am terrified of those particular men.
Although it is a cliche to say it (but then again cliches are only formed because they are composed of truths), I've never been lucky in 'love'. I've only had one relationship that's lasted longer than a month, and to be honest, I'm not sure I can call it a relationship at all.
It was 3 years ago when it began, something bigger than crush, someone I really cared about. He literally was my world, I gave up everything I had to, my friends, the respect of my family, to be with this one person. Thing was, even though we spent pretty much every single day together since that first day, I was never his girlfriend, not officially anyway.
I loved him, even if he was a complete pain in the arse at times. From the little things, like when we went to the cinema and he offered to buy the pick & mix, but insisted we could only have 3 pear drops each as they're heavy and he wasn't 'made of money', and I accidentally ate one of his pear drops and he shouted at me and refused to speak to me for 3 days. I did the romantic reconciliation of showing up at his door with a huge bag of pear drops but he still sat there and ate 6 chocolate cupcakes in front of me and wouldn't let me have one as 'punishment'. What an arsehole. To the big things like lying, cheating, controlling... But somewhere between the silly arguments, the inside jokes and the hard times, i fell arse over tit in love with him. But when I said I loved him, he never said it back.
It took 8 months for him to finally make me his official girlfriend. I'd wanted it so badly that entire time, but when I finally got it, I ended it 3 days later. It was too late, I was too hurt by the fact that it had took him 8 months to realise what I'd known from the first few days. A month later he got a girlfriend, it took him 4 days to make it facebook official and they're still together now. I don't know if it's because he learnt his lesson from me or if he just knew with her what he'd been unsure of with me, but he's happy and I'm happy for him :)
Though I was devastated to lose him, I knew I'd done the right thing. Don't ever settle for second best, if someone doesn't like you for who you are, then you know what? Fuck them, fuck it. If someone makes you feel like shit, then don't make them feel like royalty, make them feel shitty too. Guilt-trip them until they cry if that is what it takes, but always make sure you get treated how you deserved to be treated.
Unrequited love forms the basis of my life, and you know what? I'd rather get teabagged by Ken Barlow than have to go through the misery of that ever again. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (then again I actually would, she is a total bitch). Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge. It hurts less.
Though of course things aren't always crap, well they are for me, but some couples give real hope. Two of my friends are the most amazing couple I know, I would give my right arm to have what they have. They're not just a couple, they're best friends. But they don't forget that they're young and they have friends and a life to enjoy too, unlike some young couples who spend more than a year together and turn into oaps, they have the silliest arguments over chewing gum stuck in armpit hair, they bicker at times, but arguing only shows that you care enough to express yourself, and the way they look at each other makes you wanna gush and vomit at the same time :)
They prove that some men can commit, and feelings can be mutual. So why does it never happen to me?! I always get you're gorgeous, you're funny, you're intelligent, you're amazing but... there is always a but. I'm never girlfriend material with the guys I really wanna be with, I'm always the girl before the girlfriend.
I recently started seeing yet another commitmentphobe (though I wasn't aware of this until it was too late) and this time it was more than puzzling.
If I'm quite honest with you, I thought he was an arrogant prick. He paraded around uni in tight vests when it was -2 degrees outside, and always had an answer to every question in every lecture, an annoying little shit to cut a long story short. So when he flashed me a smile across the lecture room my first instinct was to flash him back a look of disgust. I hate him, hate him.
But then I remembered someone once telling me that when they first met me they thought I was ignorant, stuck-up and a prude. Now anyone who knows me knows that is the opposite to what I am, I respond to texts within minutes, I live in a council house and make fart jokes and very nearly gave my ex's mum an heart attack once when she walked in on us in a compromising position. So I thought, why not give this guy a chance? So I did, and it turned out, that he's lovely.
From buying me a cute pink & purple toothbrush when I forgot mine, to waiting in the snow for me and not even minding then when my train didn't come, to getting out of bed at 4am to go and shut the window for me because I was cold, to holding my hand in public and becoming obsessed with my favourite show.
It had all the trademarks of my friends' perfect relationship, but as I found out when I confessed I felt I was ready for it to be a proper relationship, it also had all the drawbacks of my disastrous 'relationship'. I can't actually remember a time where I've felt so torn between what to do, and being tempted to go against my own morals, but after knowing I'd tried my best and could do no more, it just made sense to just be friends. Seems to me like a huge waste of what could have been a great relationship, and also a huge waste of my mascara.
Here is a side of me which, as of usual, is grumpy and complains a lot, but who is also a hopeless romantic. If guys should learn one thing it's this: don't make a girl fall if you don't plan on catching her.
