Public Transport....
is the bane of my life.
Where do I even start on this topic which angers me so greatly?!
Bus drivers. The most miserable, selfish, inhumane bastards I am unlucky enough to encounter. The job interview process must be so easy...
'Are you a dickhead?'
'Yeah'
'You're hired!'
They are just pure evil personified. They brake harshly so old ladies fall and their Werther's Originals scatter everywhere, they look at you like you've just picked your nose and wiped it on their face if you give them anything over a fiver, and the worst ones of all, are the ones who don't say thankyou back when you say thanks as you get off.
Why do we even do that?! Oh thanks for doing your job and also for being a miserable pillock. I just do it because my mum learnt me to. But when I did it in London I got mistaken for a mental patient, apparently you shouldn't say thanks to a bendy bus...or a tube train for that matter.
I still have to get on the peasant wagon regularly thanks to miserably failing my driving test 4 times already, fingers crossed for 5th time lucky, though I wouldn't be able to afford a car or insurance anyway thanks to David Cameron (it's technically not his fault that I spend all my money on shoes and vodka but I like to blame every bad thing on him and his obscenely large forehead) and it is just like constant torture for a number of reasons:
1) Buses are never on time.
2) The crazy tramp/smelly fat man always chooses to sit next to me.
3) Bus stops are always full of graffiti, empty cans, used condoms and poo. My favourite bit of bus stop graffiti is on the bus stop near my house 'I luv Kirsty 4eva IDST if u split us up al stab ya'
4) There is always an empty can of Fanta rolling around spilling stickiness on your shoes and making an irritating clanging noise everytime the bus goes round a corner.
5) Chavs are clearly too poor to purchase earphones. I advise you take your own music unless you wanna listen to muffled N-Dubz playing out of a knackered Nokia.
6) Old people must get on the bus before you. Even if you've been waiting in the pissing rain for an hour and they've just turned up, I advise you just let them get on before you unless you want to get 'accidentally' hit by a walking stick and hear a rant about kids today.
7) They always smell like a mix of piss and mud.
And unfortunately trains aren't that much better :(
Since starting uni at Leeds I've had to become a regular user of local trains, aka Northern Rail.
Imagine the oldest, rustiest, smelliest train ever and that will come close to the Fitzwilliam to Leeds Northern Rail service. The only time I enjoy that journey is when this fat happy chinese man sits near me, he's so cheerful, like Buddha on speed. I saw a poster for Northern Rail that said '90% of our trains run on time' - now that is bollocks. Every single train of theirs i've been on has been delayed. Usually only by 3 minutes, but still, that's an extra 3 minutes of risking getting stabbed in Fitzy train station.
And here is a cautionary tale... if you ever need the toilet whilst on one of these trains, wait until you get to the station. Even if you have to pay 20p it is better than what I had to endure. I can only describe my traumatic experience as a pube infestation. There were 12 black, thick, curly pubic hairs around the sink, 8 around the toilet, 3 on the floor and 1 actually on the toilet roll. Gip. I know train journeys can be boring, but guys, surely you've got better things to do than sit and pull out your pubic hairs.
When I got back to my seat I used nearly an entire bottle of hand sanitiser. Ahh you've gotta love hand sanitiser, it tells you that you've got cuts on your hands that you didn't even know were there...
And the misery doesn't stop on the train itself, If you've never been to Leeds train station, don't.
It is the coldest place on the entire planet. Who cares if the ice caps are melting? Send the polar bears to Leeds. It can be 35 degrees outside but step onto a platform in that station and suddenly you're in Antarctica. Thankfully it is full of coffee shops so you can waste £3 on a shitty cup of tea to keep yourself warm.
Which leads me onto the next problem...
There are no bins in Leeds train station. Why? Because a couple of years ago a terrorist threatened to put a bomb in a bin. Key word being threatened. Bastard terrorists, they did good though, there's nothing more terrifying than the prospect of having to carry your rubbish round with you all day.
The moral of this story? Public is only one letter away from pubic.
