I got 63 problems but a bitch ain't one. (Hit me...actually please don't, I quite like my face thanks).

I am constantly told that I'm a negative, glass half-empty, always think the worst kind of girl. And you know what? Maybe I am.

As we are all aware (well, the majority of us are aware, I don't want to offend any coma patients that might be reading), it is now 2011. A new year, a new start right? Erm no - same shit, different year is all I have to say on the matter.

So today's topic is... Irritating little things.

I have decided to break tradition by instead of writing a list of resolutions, I am gonna write a list of things that have pissed me off every other year and will no doubt still piss me off again this year. Enjoy.

1. Pop bottles that will not open. You try and try until all the skin on your hand comes off. You pass it to someone, they open in a second. Bastards.
2. Noisy eaters. Open, chew, swallow is how it works. These people clearly think that the process is open, make the most vile noises imaginable, swallow. I even get self-conscious about eating crisps in public in case someone think I'm one of those pricks.
3. Stickers that have been used. Just bleurgh, with all bits of hair and fluff stuck to them.
4. People who push in queues. I've found old people are especially the worst for doing this, they use it to their advantage cos everyone will think you're Hitler if you shout at an old lady.
5. Drivers who do not indicate. Whether you're a driver or a pedestrian this is really annoying. It takes two seconds just to show us which way you're going. Thanks.
6. Men leaving the toilet seat up, aaaaaaargh! There's nothing worse than dying for a wee and struggling to get your skinny jeans down and lacy knickers unjammed from your arsecrack in the nick of the time to find some lazy fucker has left the seat up.
7. Also, people who do not replace toilet roll when they have used it all. My mum is the worst for this, it then means i have to waddle across the bathroom to get another roll. Lovely.
8. The fact that pre-packed sandwiches always have butter or mayo on them. I don't like butter or mayo.
9. Old people who go to shopping centres just to browse in the pound shop and sit on the benches all day. Excuse me, i've been shopping all day, I would like to sit down, I'm sure I'm a lot more tired than you are love.
10. Self-service checkouts. One told me that I had to wait for a member of staff to come and remove the security tag...from my loaf of bread.
11. The fact that Starburst replaced the yummy lemon sweet with the disgusting blackcurrant one. They were the only yellow sweets that I actually liked.
12. Liars.
13. Forgetting about food and burning it.
14. Getting a bit of your vagina trapped in a tampon applicator. Ouch.
15. People who just constantly crave attention. Go on chat roulette and flash your tits or something, don't clog up my news feed with your crap.
16. When my fringe just won't stay where I put it.
17. The fact that my favourite lipstick tastes of crayons.
18. Getting crazy cravings for a type of food and then not being bothered when you actually get the food.
19. When my cat purposely tries to puke on my handbags.
20. Immaturity. (Not in humour however, immature jokes are piss funny, I still laugh at the word poo).
21. My thighs.
22. People invading my personal space. This is my chair, don't put your arms on it. You're like an octopus, fuck off.
23. Patronising people. Unless you can somehow prove that you're smarter than me, then don't even attempt to talk down to me unless you want a slap.
24. Argumentative & violent people. Nothing ever gets solved by shouting and fighting, if you wanna sort something out then sit and talk like adults. Ok?
25. Migraines. The ones where your head pounds, your neck aches and the room becomes all stripey.
26. People who try and guilt-trip you for being angry at them. 'I took off the other night cos my grandma's died, I can't be in a relationship with you cos it's xmas and my grandma died at xmas, I haven't text you back cos I was in a car crash 2 years ago'. Yes those things are awful but I'm mad at you cos you've been a dick, bad stuff happens to all of us but we're not all twats. I'm angry with you for a specific reason, don't bring up something that's completely irrelevant to try and make me feel sorry for you. It won't  work, it'll just make me think that you like using deaths and accidents as excuses for your own selfish, twattish behaviour, which therefore makes you even more of a selfish twat.
27. Premature ejaculation. I know it happens at times guys but do anything to try and prevent it please, think of Jeremy Paxman in a bikini if you must. I'm sorry but there's nothing worse than oh, ohhh, ooooh, ooooh that's good, ooooh, ohhhhhhhhh, oh, ugh, errr, erm is that it?!
28. Bikini sizes. Now I'm a size 8 dress size with 32D cup boobs, this creates a problem. Most nice bikinis are sold in sets. If I buy a size 8 bikini it will fit on the bum but my boobs will fall out, if I buy a size 10 my boobs will just fit but the bottoms will be baggy on my bum. Fail.
29. Insomnia. I have a stupid sleeping pattern that keeps me awake until ridiculous hours of the morning. And the only tv that is on at this time has an annoying sign language person in the corner. Do deaf people only watch tv at silly o'clock or something?!
30. The word 'peckish'. Makes me cringe, eurgh.
31. Pringles. They either have too much flavour on them or not enough. Get it right Mr Floaty Head Moustache Man.
32. Dirty talk. Sorry guys but it is so off-putting in bed. It makes me want to hit you. Just enjoy the moment, don't spoil it by asking questions. It's sex not mastermind.
33. When I have to run (in any occassion). I look like a mad woman because I have to hold onto my boobs or they will pop out of my bra and blind me.
34. When people stand on the back of your shoes. Is there any need? I'm not walking slow, the annoying person in front of me is, and you can clearly see that so standing on the back of my feet won't make me move any quicker, it will make me 'accidentally' spill my drink on you later.
35. Duvet covers. It takes me an hour to change one. The duvet always hunches up inside no matter how careful you are with the corners. Someone get on Dragon's Den with an invention to help this please.
36. Fruit. I love the taste of fruit, I hate the texture of it (apart from apples, you're alright). How can something that tastes so nice feel so disgusting in your mouth? Bananas are all mushy and vile, oranges have little rough bits, peaches are furry, strawberries have seeds...you get my point.
37. Yoghurt pot lids. Why do they always split into two when you open them? It means you have to get yoghurt on your hands. Great.
38. The grinding man on the dancefloor. You know the one, he gets behind you, puts his arms around your waist and starts rubbing his cock against you. And because of the way he's positioned you can't even get a proper look at him, you can just detect that he's a slimey munter out of the corner of your eye. And if you try and escape he remains latched on like some shitty attempt at the conga.
39. People who take an hour to text back but when you're with them they are glued to their phone. How can it possibly take an hour to respond to a text message? You receive it, you read it, you reply. Wankers.
40. People with pushchairs who follow you around Meadowhall purposely pushing it into the back of your legs. It's a baby, not a weapon.
41. Takeaways charging stupid add-on prices. A portion of chips is £1, chips and cheese? £2. Hang on... I can buy a full block of cheese from Iceland for a £1, there's a few measly gratings of cheese on my chips, how on earth can that cost an extra £1?!
42. Restaurants adding ridiculous service charges onto your bill. If I want to tip you then I will, I don't need you to tell me how much to tip you. In fact, if you're gonna attempt to tell me then I won't tip you at all. How do you like that? Ha.
43. Lumpy mashed potato. Just sort it out.
44. Parents who let their children run around and then blame you when their child runs face first into your leg. Oh sorry, I'll be more careful with my legs next time shall I?
45. COD. I mean Call of Duty, not the fish. Guys, get over it. It's a game and i've played it and it's rubbish. Get a life.
46. Girls who flirt with your boyfriend. Whores.
47. Pointless lectures. If you're just gonna read off the powerpoint slides and not give any extra information I could have just stayed in bed.
48. When guys 'accidentally' try and put it in the wrong hole. I know what you're doing and I am not amused.
49. People who don't put kisses on the end of texts. Fair enough if it's like your boss or driving instructor, but if it's family and friends then there's just no excuse for it really.
50. The smell of coffee. The taste of coffee. The fact that coffee is every fucking where.
51. Ice. Snow. Rain. Hail. Any wet and cold weather. Go die. And the wind that takes your breath, you're ace as well.
52. When you go to take a drink and all the ice attacks your face.
53. Taps that purposely squirt the water all over your crotch. Brilliant.
54. Train station barriers. Yes just keep spitting my ticket in and out and don't let me through, it's not like I have a life or anywhere to go.
55. The fact that Primark's started getting cocky. £29? For a coat? In Primark?!
56. When you have to sneeze in the most awkward circumstances. Or even worse when you think you have to sneeze and you do the face and everything but the sneeze doesn't come.
57. People who dip the breadstick, bite a bit of the breadstick off and then dip it again, you know, they dip the bitten bit into the dip. Vile.
58. Dog poo.
59. People who cough and don't cover their mouths. I can see all of your throat, how pleasant.
60. Orange juice with bits in it. So wrong on so many levels. I wanted a drink, not bits of shit stuck in my teeth.
61. Chocolate spread. Chocolate you put on bread? Excuse me while I vomit.
62. People who stick chewing gum under chairs. You disgust me.
63. People who moan about every single thing under the sun and never see the good in anything. Oh shit....hang on.